time flies

so i haven't been blogging much because alot has been going on. We ended up having to take 12 to a psych eval because she said she was hearing voices tell her to do stuff and she was worthless and wish she didn't exist anymore.
so what they said it that she is acting out for attention because mommy is a deadbeat low life who doesn't give a fuck about them and only uses them to get her $100 child support. because she get them every weekend. Needless to say 12 has mommy issues and decided to take them out of everyone in the house including me. She had stolen something out of my purse at which point i got in her face and told her if she was 27 or i was 12 i would punch her in the face, however i cant touch her but i can make her work. So i made her get on her hands and knees and scrub the kitchen floor, then when she was finished i made her do it again. Then when she was half way done I took eye liner and i wrote my name and drew a picture a throw back to her writing in nail polish on the wall then like a week later drawing on the wall. That when she started to car and said I'm gonna have to do it all over again, then i said "I'm sorry, so its OK" so she cleaned it again. Then she ran out of wipes but thankfully I had a three pack of the Lysol wipes, so I made her clean it again which she responded back that she was tired, all i said was I'm tired too, of your bullshit, so she cleaned it again, then i made her go to bed. She is now seeing a therapist and has become a different person.
Then we started having trouble with 14, she hid her brothers book bag to get him in trouble, the finally admitted to doing things like hiding her stuff in her sisters dresser to add to her getting in trouble. then she had stolen a book bag and cellphone out of an 8th graders locker, the was caught by her principal and lied to her, then came home and lied to her dad and I about doing it. If i did this when i was 14 my mom and or dad would have spanked me, or paddled me, or slapped me across the face. These kids have no respect for anyone or anythings property cause no one taught them too. This is the mess I get cause of the deadbeat mom who only cared about herself and her TV.
So all of this bullshit has been causing problems between be and my husband who works and teaches full time and i left at home with the baby the these 3 bay bay kids.

Knocked up on a honey moon

So 2 days after the wedding we went on the honeymoon, we didn't have a set plan but we knew we wanted to go towards the east coast. Well let me rephrase that, my husband really wanted to go to the east coast so i told him when our first anniversary comes around we get to do what I want to do which is Vegas!!!! So we drove, yes drove, through Ohio, and into Pennsylvania of the first day, we stayed in some place called Beaver Falls in a surprisingly nice cheap motel.
Day 2 we drove to Shanksville, PA to see the flight 93 memorial. It is the most eerie feeling driving there, it literally is in the middle of a field. From the town itself it took about 20 minutes to get there.

My husband brought his fire helmet so take random pictures with

The white wall is supposed to represent the direction of the plane

At the end of the white wall there is this massive gate to the field

The boulder is where the plane crashed into the field

I am really glad we stopped here, although it represents a very sad day in our history, it still is history that we got to experience.

Wedding wedding weeding

So November 11th, 2011 My wedding day. That's right folks I got married on 11/11/11, I totally did it. My husband slept in my bed the night before cause we don't believe in all the bad luck mumbo jumbo, and at the house he was there while i got my hair and makeup done. At 11:11am, we were married in the living room of my parents house in street clothes by my Godfather.
So to make me sound more dorky we officially got married at 11:11am on 11/11/11. Score one for awesome!!!!
Like I said I got my hair and makeup done at the house and i got dressed at the wedding site. We got married and had the reception at the same place.
So there I am, in my princess wedding gown, with my hair and makeup professionally done look more beautiful then I ever have, and this first thing I have to do, is puke. Not to be out done, the baby decided that it wanted to show is presence at the wedding of it's mom and dad.
Our ceremony was literally only 10 minutes, it was half in Serbian and half in English. My moms family is Serbian and being that there is not a lot of her family left we thought this would show great respect to them, esp my grandmother. After the ceremony it was time to drink!!! Sprite!!!! yay!!!!
Before dinner we had a blessing by my Godfather, and we spoke, well I spoke. That is when i announced to everyone who was there that I was 6 weeks pregnant. (I understand its bad luck to tell that your pregnant before the 3 month mark, but I couldn't help it, and how awesome to announce at our own wedding!)
So fast forward through the reception and my drunk ass friends, the end of the night my hubby packs me into the car and we decided to get a random hotel room. The next morning at breakfast, there we are on the front page of the paper. My godfather had called the local newspaper the day before to help celebrate this awesome occasion.
Our wedding represented how we are, relaxed, fast paced and fun. I am glad I didn't drink (well get to drink lol) cause I got to remember every moment of it. And i only puked once!!!!

Timing is everything

That's right folks 2 days before my bachlorette party i found out i was pregnant!!!
Friday I lied to my dispatcher in order to sneak to my ob to verify.... because you know a bright blue plus sign can be explained away by hormones right??? I just had to ignore the extreme exhaustion, the vomiting, and yes the mood swings, oh the fun fun mood swings!!
So i told my dispatcher that my asthma was really bad that day (i really do have asthma) and I had to go to my doctors office to get an inhaler. What it really meant was I have to go to my Ob's office, get an off the record ultrasound, and there it was, this blob, this little tiny blob with a heart beat that kinda looked like a turtle. So I did what every rational woman would do, not exactly ready for a baby, a day before my bachlorette party, a week before my wedding.......I cried, and i made the MA, who is actually one of my best friends, cry too.
So then I had to make my calls first my mom, she cried. Then my dad, he laughed. Then my sister who is a 4th grade teacher who was on a field trip she screamed, then made her bus full of bay bay kids cheer! Then she realized that she had less then 24 hours to plan a new bachlorette party, i think she cried a little too. My step dad was the last to find out, I told my mom not to tell him so i could suprise him. I came home and put the ultrasound picture down on the table in front of him and he said "what is this?"
"that's your future grand baby."
"HOLY SHIT!!!!"
My son is the first grandchild for my mom and my step-dad. My mom as 4 kids (my sister and my 2 older brothers who are adopted) and my step dad has 5 kids (4 girls, 1 boy, i really don't think any of them will have kids), needless to say they were really excited.
Saturday comes and I am home by myself getting ready, waiting for my friends, waiting for my sisters, and waiting for MM (yes my future husband was coming to my bachlorette party, I was 5 weeks pregnant, everything made me puke, its not like I was gonna hook up with a random hottie so my fiance was coming. Also so was my brother-in-law, him and my sis had been together since 1998, high school sweethearts. He is my brother, he has always been around so why the hell not! So it is getting closer and closer to when my friends are supposed to arrive and my family isn't there yet, they were supposed to help me set up. So i called my sister and did what any woman in my position would do, I cried. Then MM walked in, and I cried some more, cause I was by myself. I really am a retard!
So everyone finally got there, family, friends, 2 penis cakes, coolers of beer, and the party bus filled with champagne, beer and pop. And i couldn't drink. My amazing sister had set up a bowling bachlorette party, 2 lanes, 2 hours, beer, pop, appetizers included. I could not eat or drink, or i would puke. How did i know this. I had a sip of wine on the party bus, and I puked. I bowled and I puked. We came home at about 12, me and my drunk ass MM went to sleep, I told my friends to take the party bus cause i had rented it until 5 am. I slept, and my friends drank. Great times!!!!

No Gold???? Savages!!!!

Random title I know, damn you Pocahontas!!!!
So June of last year...... no preggo!!!
Most of that year was the same work 40 hours a week, plan a wedding, live at home with my parents (side note::: I am a mommas girl, and i am the baby, like they would really kick me out. Plus i was not a low life, i had a full time job with my own insurance and paid my own bills and paid rent so no freeloader here!)
Lets get to the first week of November, i was exhausted. I blamed it on wedding bullshit. My wedding was a week away and i had planned my ass off and finally I was here, i would come home from work and sleep until 10 wake up shower go back to bed, then get up at 4am for work, so i could be there by 5am. So Thursday November 4th comes along. It was a normal day at work however i feel like shit. I wanna puke, sleep, and cry all in that order. I was mad at myself for getting sick 2 days before my bachlorette party, I was uber ready to drink my ass off. Come on Bourbon st you know what I'm talking about ( Bourbon street in Illinois).
Since my period ( i know sorry gross) had been so retarded, me taking a home pregnancy test was normal. Do Thursday night after work, i am worried about how we are gonna pay for the wedding, i call my fiance and say hey grab a pee test on the way home so we can cross this month off.
He gets home and my mom gives me a card with a check for $500, this sets me off. I start crying hysterically (side note: i am not a crier, i am a i have to be strong for other people, at funeral i try not to cry cause i want to be the strong one for my family, i am not an emotional person, remember i am an emt i am a ice through my veins drink my emotions away person).
So i am crying hysterically and I tell MM that we need to call the wedding off, we have no money we cant do it so we need to call it off. It took him about 10 mins to get me down off my ledge. I had calmed down when suddenly i noticed I really had to freaking pee. and he hands me the pee test and says get it over with.
So i am in the bathroom and no sooner do i pee on this stick do i see a bring blue plus sign, my logically reasoning is maybe i should wait the whole 3 minutes.......
........3 minutes later, there is now a brighter blue plus sign, so i did what every rationally wedding planning, pregnant, crazy woman would do. I cried. I came out of the bathroom, with the stick in my hand crying hysterically, and i handed the stick to MM. And my poor fiance grabbed my pee stick and started to cry too. Then i told my mom, who once told me back in my after 21st birthday that even if i got pregnant it would be not disappointment or accident, who wanted to be a grandma more than anything, and she cried, which made me cry more...... i am not a crier!!!!! my husband cries more than me i swear!!!!!

Back to the story

So with our alcohol induced whirlwind romance at full blaze, we get to 2011. Now random gross note planning a wedding is one of the most stressful things ever, so this whole year I only had like 3 periods. I thought I was pregnant in June, I had gone to my Ob and got lab work done however it was on a Friday. Saturday I was going to a concert with 2 of my girlfriends, the ticket was free and I had just got paid, so in my mind I was not to pay my bills and use all of this money for drinking my $11 tall boys of Bud Lite. The only catch.....I didn't know if I was pregnant or not.
My friend who works in my obs office had gone and picked up my lab results, we had gotten to the concert and of course the first place we go is to the beer line. Of course I have to buy a beer, then my thought process was, everyone drinks in their first trimester, its not gonna hurt the baby. As I am about to finish my second tall boy I get my results txtd to me.......negative. I took that as now I have accepted my challenge to drink my pay check away! I have to look at Facebook for statuses and pictures from myself and my friends to remember that night.
Let me side track here I tell you about my job, I am an EMT, I drive an ambulance to calls with people dying, I take these people who are crying and begging god for their lives to the hospital. At scenes I am met by their family members who beg me to save them. If you start feeling sorry for these people and start getting emotionally involved it messes with your head and you are unable to do your job. You need ice in your veins. These emotions and fears are driven down and some people choose to keep them down with alcohol. I am not an alcoholic, I have never gone to work drunk, nor do I drink the night before I go. This is a very trying job and people choose different was to deal with them, and this was all before I had my baby.......

step kids

so i was trying to go in order with events but after the last two days I've had it. i have 3 step kids 6, 12, and 14. the 14 yr old is my go to person with the baby, if i need to shower, finish dinner, do laundry, ect. 14 will watch the baby, feed him, change him, or just hold him and play with him. 6 is 6. 6 will hold the baby with a pillow on the lap and feed the baby with assistance. 12 i do not trust with the baby. 12 lies to me and my husband, and does stuff on purpose. yesterday 12 wrote a A on the wall by 12's dresser, 12 got grounded and got the nail polish taken away. this morning 12 woke up, snuck downstairs got the blue nail polish and continued to write on the wall. when i found out that was the first time i've ever screamed at one of these kids.
i dont know what to do anymore, this isnt the first incident like this, 12 had hide matches in her dresser, the lied to me and her father about it. I'm really stressed out and dont know what to do, and the only person im scared for is the baby, he cant tell me if something is wrong.
It is really good to have friends that are going through the same types of things, well not with the will or wont 12 set the house on fire, but the lying, and the omg what the hell is wrong with you. This stress is causing mad stress between me and my husband and i understand when i married him i married the kids, but i do my part as a parent. i just dont know anymore.....